my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
