I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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