dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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