I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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