eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
