I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Swine flu is the new snow day.
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Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
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Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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