Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
