I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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