I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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