Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
