Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
