I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
