I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Randomize
