Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dignity is for republicans.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
