She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
