I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
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i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
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You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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