how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
