my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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