bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
