Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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