in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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