On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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