please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
