the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
