u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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