Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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