Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
