I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
