I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
