Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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