Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
