So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is Oprah even human
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
