He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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