There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
