Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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