I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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