His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
