that's an acceptable place to lick
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
