So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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