my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I didn't notice because vodka
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
