I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
