Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The dick lei will go down in squad history
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
