the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
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Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
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I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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