No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
