I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
