when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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