i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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