I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
