I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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