I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
