So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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