Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
