Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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