I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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