Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
