Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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