There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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